What does it mean to be Great?

What does it mean to be Great?
What does it take?
Some people get silly from alcohol
But I'm wide awake

Give me a reason

If they say the hardships you go through in life are God's test for you then Dear God, when will you stop testing me? Why is it some people get it so lucky? I'm not asking for money or to be rich. I just want to be happy. 

As I get along with life its harder to keep the faith. To meeting good people and maintaing meaningful relationships. What is it you have in store for me, I have asked then why have I not received? That if I'll be alone in this lifetime then give me another purpose to live.

Give me a reason to find passion for something. A reason to want to wake up each day and know what I'm doing has meaning. I dont want this life to be so mundane, shallow and alone.

Complicated Connections: A particular friend

I've often found relationships with people rather compelling yet often complicated.

More so when it involves one with the opposite sex.

While some people live through blurred lines, others need definition. I often found that need in mine.

Yet as straightforward as it should be, I seem to struggle with it. Sometimes when I want a clear line, the other party doesn't but yet they pursue the lustful side of it and call that 'living' and 'appreciating the connection' or the chance that it might become something more. No I am not putting the blame on someone else to cloud or influence my views but it is just hard to separate my emotions from someone else's "reality concept". After all, my relationships with friends of both gender have always thrived on a sincere connection with the other party. So then , if I had a male friend but we do things that cross the line of being "friends" I start to get emotionally connected in a different level and it creates a certain 'hope' in my heart. Unfortunately me being the only one who got ahead of myself or so it did in this case:

While I enjoy the attention and the way we flirt with each other over texts, I often end up feeling hurt, feeling like I'm the only one dancing to this tune. At times it does make me wonder if you just enjoy the attention or the fact I make you feel wanted and that is all to the flirting. Simply put, satisfying the aspect your gender needs like a game of Cat and Mouse. Could it be that you want this to go somewhere at any point of time at all-- this is the bit that creates that false sense of hope for me.

Somedays, you are the very root of my frustrations. Trying to understand interpersonal connections or the different views we take. No I don't talk to you about this, in fear that you would, as usual so eloquently explain and inject your judgement and psychological facts that in theory isn't wrong but you often forget: that feeling and knowing are completely different things. If people were so good with their emotions that they were able to consistently act on logic and do the right thing regardless of how they feel, we would be like the monk who reached his 'Zen' stage or like Robots which were tuned to act according to logic because that is how they were programmed.

Maybe it is my fault that I allow the blurred lines to exist continuously and I should be the one that draw the lines according to my own 'rules of engagement'. I know that for my mental happiness this is necessary... and from now I will try my darndest. 

Free fall

Like an eclipse in my heart
Free falling this downtrodden path
My darkest desires kept a secret
Selfish ambitions of an escape

Silent anguish unknown to the world
Aggrieved at nothing and everything at once
An enigma that finds no words
The overcast, looming and ominous

Little voices in my head
Saying "this will set you free" 
My afflicted heart contemplates
My only love with my only hate

(Art by Kirsty Mitchell)

Hollow..

Tears are streaming down my cheeks
But yet my face is still,
Lacking expression, as if unable to feel
My eyes staring into space, as if my body was hollow
Of a heart and soul

Feel like my heart is bleeding, yet looks as though I'm numb
To this familiar feeling,Yes I've been here many times
Its as though I'm dead and my heartbeat's a lie

I lay motionless, nothing motivates to move a limb.
Slowly but surely I'll be losing mind
If pain should be as surreal as happiness
Then really, what is Real?
This crazy maze of thoughts, my sanity that wanders.

(Art by Inextremiss on deviantart)

My weary heart..

Oh my weary heart

How did you sink so deep?

That darkness in your heart you try to conceal and keep..

Oh my weary heart

I'm tired of your games

Some days you feign hopefulness then lead my dreams astray

Oh my weary heart

Stop being so unkind

Don't imprison my happiness like it had done some crime.

Oh my weary heart

I wish I was more blind, 

To things that you so desire that rules my state of mind

Oh my weary heart

Can't you at least pretend?

To count the blessings you possess and make a list of them.