Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Complicated Connections: A particular friend

I've often found relationships with people rather compelling yet often complicated.
More so when it involves one with the opposite sex.

While some people live through blurred lines, others need definition. I often found that need in mine.
Yet as straightforward as it should be, I seem to struggle with it. Sometimes when I want a clear line, the other party doesn't but yet they pursue the lustful side of it and call that 'living' and 'appreciating the connection' or the chance that it might become something more. No I am not putting the blame on someone else to cloud or influence my views but it is just hard to separate my emotions from someone else's "reality concept". After all, my relationships with friends of both gender have always thrived on a sincere connection with the other party. So then , if I had a male friend but we do things that cross the line of being "friends" I start to get emotionally connected in a different level and it creates a certain 'hope' in my heart. Unfortunately me being the only one who got ahead of myself or so it did in this case:

While I enjoy the attention and the way we flirt with each other over texts, I often end up feeling hurt, feeling like I'm the only one dancing to this tune. At times it does make me wonder if you just enjoy the attention or the fact I make you feel wanted and that is all to the flirting. Simply put, satisfying the aspect your gender needs like a game of Cat and Mouse. Could it be that you want this to go somewhere at any point of time at all-- this is the bit that creates that false sense of hope for me.

Somedays, you are the very root of my frustrations. Trying to understand interpersonal connections or the different views we take. No I don't talk to you about this, in fear that you would, as usual so eloquently explain and inject your judgement and psychological facts that in theory isn't wrong but you often forget: that feeling and knowing are completely different things. If people were so good with their emotions that they were able to consistently act on logic and do the right thing regardless of how they feel, we would be like the monk who reached his 'Zen' stage or like Robots which were tuned to act according to logic because that is how they were programmed.

Maybe it is my fault that I allow the blurred lines to exist continuously and I should be the one that draw the lines according to my own 'rules of engagement'. I know that for my mental happiness this is necessary... and from now I will try my darndest. 

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